15dozentimes (15dozentimes) wrote,

Hello Dreamwidth! I am still a living person, which all of you know because we interact elsewhere on the internet, but.

I have had a thing in my head that could really only happen long-form, and not Tumblr long-form, but it's been a massive source of anxiety for me so I gave myself a deadline, which was nebulously "before Wiscon", and then missed the deadline, obviously, but the good thing about missing it is I actually feel much more comfortable talking about this post-Wiscon, so here we are.

Anyway! As those of you who saw me at Wiscon and/or in the month or so prior already know, I am no longer using male pronouns and I am going by Heidi again, no longer Paul.

It's been kind of a long process, made super complicated in a bunch of ways by the way I approach queer identity in general and my own identity in specific and the way I have my life organized into discrete spheres and how I need different things in different spheres and a bunch of other stuff that I think would make for some really interesting conversations if I ever unpack it all to a point I feel comfortable talking about it?

(Also complicated by the fact that I have been specifically accused of being a fake trans dude by someone I considered a friend, so for quite a while my thought process was, genuinely, "I guess I will be Paul/he sometimes and Heidi/she sometimes and if I am uncomfortable when I'm Paul at least I won't be proving anybody right", so that was fun)

So, yes, main takeways: Heidi, not Paul, she, not he, and this is an evolution of an identity, not a retraction of a lie.

(Other takeaway: I might start using DW again)

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Tags: gender
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Wiscon was amaaaaaaaaaaazing, why do you think you shouldn't go? I'm planning on doing a more detailed writeup in the next few days but I'm still at YES PERFECT GOOD FEELS noncoherence place, so \o?

It was based on the fact that early after I came out online I was still using "Heidi" and "she/her" in public spaces where I didn't feel super safe looking "like a girl" but IDing as a guy. I was super open about this and the reasons for it, but I guess it still didn't really count? IDK, people are dinguses.